I used to be one of those annoying people who could drop off to sleep in an instant: any time, any place, anywhere… sometimes when people least expected it (apologies to anybody from my past who was left chattering away to my slumbering, dribbling form – my student years were, at times, a blur…)
This has all changed.
So much so that, whilst lying in bed desperately waiting for sleep to descend, I decided to make a list of all the things that had kept me awake over the course of 1 week.
Yes, believe it or not, these are all true!
The reasons why I can’t sleep:

1  The raucous laughter of an intoxicated duck;

2  The chuffin cat using my stomach as a springboard to practice her double back somersault with half twist (the twist being a claw up my left nostril);

3  Two owls trading insults either side of the bedroom window: “Whooo?” “Yooooo!” “Noooo!” “Yoooooo!” “Yooooo?” “Noooo!”

4  The sensation of desperately needing a wee but realising it’s simply too cold to get out of bed;

5  The same 2 lines of a song going through my head. Playing on repeat. And I can’t for the life of me remember any more of the song. Despite the fact that I was merrily singing along to the entire song just a few hours ago;

6  Mr and Mrs Fox having a very public domestic dispute;

7  The shadow on the window that resembles an axe murderer hiding behind the curtain;

8  The sound of the chuffin cat pouncing on her squeaky turkey at random intervals;

9  The fact that the weatherman has forecast “a chance of wintry precipitation” so I have to keep sneaking a peek through the curtains to see if it’s snowing yet;

10  The Police helicopter hovering 2 foot above my house (clearly looking for the axe murderer behind the curtain).