How To Take Down A Christmas Tree When You Have A Cat

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1  Remove the cat from the tree.

2  Unplug the fairy lights.

IMG_39003  Explain to the cat (for the umpteenth time) that the wiring on the fairy lights is not to be used as dental floss.

4. Unwrap the wiring from the cat’s teeth.

5. Fetch the bag for the baubles. Remove the cat from the bag.

IMG_32376.  Look for the baubles on the tree. Note that there aren’t many left. Observe how the top half of the tree is still decorated whilst the lower half is completely bald (save for the odd mangled, half-chewed chocolate wrapper). Glare at the cat who is nonchalantly polishing her claws underneath the tree.

7.  Remove the cat from the tree.

8.  Pluck a bauble off the tree.  Drop the bauble on the floor as the cat pounces at your hand.

9.  Retrieve a plaster and stick it on your bleeding finger.

IMG_313110.  Chase the cat who is chasing the bauble round the lounge.

11. Retrieve the bauble from the cat and place it in the bag.

12.  Remove the cat from the bag.

13.  Remove the cat from the tree.

14.  Collect the remaining baubles from the tree, repeating steps 7-13 until all the baubles are safely deposited in the bag.

15.   Nip to the chemist to stock up on plasters.

16.  Remove the cat from the tree.

17.  Take hold of the fairy lights and gently unwind them from the tree branches.

18.  Remove the fairy lights from the cat’s mouth.

19.  Remove the cat from the tree.

20.  Replace the plasters on your fingers.

IMG_311821.  Keep unwinding the fairy lights from the tree branches.

22.  Unwrap the fairy lights from the cat’s neck.

23.  Remove the cat’s claws from the wiring on the fairy lights and stick another plaster on your bleeding hands.

24.  Lay the lights across the floor as you remove them from the tree.

25.  Remove the cat from the tree.

26.  Remove the cat from the lights.

27.  Run round in circles as you try to wind the fairy lights into a ball before the cat can throttle herself again.

28.  Find the box for the lights. Remove the cat from the box and place the lights in it.

29.  Take the tree down one segment at a time and place each segment in a large bag. Place any broken branches in the bags too, with the intention of reattaching them next Christmas… knowing full well that you will never get round to reattaching them.

30.  Pour yourself a large drink and dress your wounds whilst watching the cat sulk in the corner.

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Gloria’s Twelve Days of Christmas

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What could be more trouble than a kitten at Christmas?
A 1 year old cat, that’s what.

This is to  be sung to the tune of the traditional song ‘The Twelve Days of Christmas’… no drummers drumming or pipers piping in our house that’s for sure!

*****
On the first day of Christmas, Gloria gave to me
A chuffin cat in the Christmas tree.

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On the second day of Christmas, Gloria gave to me
Two eyes madly staring
And a chuffin cat in the Christmas tree.

On the third day of Christmas, Gloria gave to me
Three broken branches
Two eyes madly staring
And a chuffin cat in the Christmas tree.

20151231-172339-62619407.jpgOn the fourth day of Christmas, Gloria gave to me
Four paws a-boxing
Three broken branches
Two eyes madly staring
And a chuffin cat in the Christmas tree.

On the fifth day of Christmas, Gloria gave to me

Five exasperated sighs….

Four paws a-boxing
Three broken branches
Two eyes madly staring
And a chuffin cat in the Christmas tree.

On the sixth day of Christmas, Gloria gave to me
Six chewed candy canes
Five exasperated sighs…
Four paws a-boxing
Three broken branches
Two eyes madly staring
And a chuffin cat in the Christmas tree.

20151231-172038-62438522.jpgOn the seventh day of Christmas, Gloria gave to me
Seven puffed up pounces
Six chewed candy canes
Five exasperated sighs…
Four paws a-boxing
Three broken branches
Two eyes madly staring
And a chuffin cat in the Christmas tree.

On the eighth day of Christmas, Gloria gave to me
Eight battered baubles
Seven puffed up pounces
Six chewed candy canes
Five exasperated sighs…
Four paws a-boxing
Three broken branches
Two eyes madly staring
And a chuffin cat in the Christmas tree.

20151231-171443-62083715.jpgOn the ninth day of Christmas, Gloria gave to me
Nine fractured fairy lights
Eight battered baubles
Seven puffed up pounces
Six chewed candy canes
Five exasperated sighs…
Four paws a-boxing
Three broken branches
Two eyes madly staring
And a chuffin cat in the Christmas tree.

On the tenth day of Christmas, Gloria gave to me
Ten stolen sweeties
Nine fractured fairy lights
Eight battered baubles
Seven puffed up pounces
Six chewed candy canes
Five exasperated sighs…
Four paws a-boxing
Three broken branches
Two eyes madly staring
And a chuffin cat in the Christmas tree.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, Gloria gave to me20151231-172851-62931562.jpg
Eleven puked-up pine needles
Ten stolen sweeties
Nine fractured fairy lights
Eight battered baubles
Seven puffed up pounces
Six chewed candy canes
Five exasperated sighs…
Four paws a-boxing
Three broken branches
Two eyes madly staring
And a chuffin cat in the Christmas tree.

On the twelfth day of Christmas, Gloria gave to me
Twelve chomped-on chocolates
Eleven puked-up pine needles
Ten stolen sweeties
Nine fractured fairy lights
Eight battered baubles
Seven puffed up pounces
Six chewed candy canes
Five exasperated sighs…
Four paws a-boxing
Three broken branches
Two eyes madly staring
And a chuffin cat in the Christmas tree.
*****

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And that just about sums up our Christmas.

Gloria and I would like to take this opportunity to wish you all a very Happy and peaceful New Year.
But she’d like to keep the Christmas tree please.

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How to Survive Christmas with a Kitten

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Gloria in her Christmas hat

Carefully retrieve your Christmas decorations from the attic.
Remove your kitten from the bag of baubles.
Assemble the Christmas tree.
Remove your kitten from the tree.
Untangle the fairy lights and lay them in lines along the floor.
Remove your kitten from the tree.
Plug in the fairy lights.
Watch your kitten’s eyes light up as she places her little mouth around one of the lit bulbs.
Panic.
Switch off the fairy lights and spend 10 minutes untangling your kitten from the string of bulbs.
Start to wrap the lights around the tree.Remove your kitten from the Christmas tree...
Remove your kitten from the tree.
Enlist the support of a small boy to entertain your kitten.
Finish decorating the tree with the fairy lights.
Upon hearing a small boy’s squeal, turn round to see your kitten scampering off with a long piece of tinsel in her mouth.
Retrieve the tinsel from your kitten and decide that you don’t need tinsel this year anyway.
Grab the bag of baubles.
Remove your kitten from the bag of baubles.
Start to hang the baubles on the branches of the tree.
Observe your kitten boxing the baubles on the lower branches.
Raise the baubles to higher branches, leaving your kitten a small knitted stocking to throw about.
Stand back and admire your tinsel-free, half-decorated Christmas tree.
Remove your kitten from the tree.
Grab some Christmas paper to finish wrapping those last minute gifts.
Oooh good, wrapping paper!Roll out the paper on the floor.
Remove your kitten from the paper.
Using a large pair of scissors, cut the paper, avoiding your kitten’s chunky little paws as they swipe at the blades.
Observe all the crumples and scratch marks in the paper.
Screw up the paper, throw it across the room and watch with a chuckle as your kitten scampers off to play with it.
Roll out some more paper.
Watch as your kamikaze kitten appears from nowhere and lands in the middle of the wrapping paper.
Sigh loudly.
Cut another piece of paper and hastily wrap the present, taping up all the claw marks and holes in the paper. Well, the present needed some ventilation holes anyway.
Go and fetch some shiny ribbon to wrap round the present and so detract from the teeth marks and claw holes.
Cut a length of ribbon.Kitten teeth are great for curling ribbon
Chase after your kitten and retrieve the ribbon.
Tie the ribbon quickly round the present.
Note how your kitten’s teeth make a great tool for curling the ribbon.
Remove your kitten from the present.
Grab a packet of shiny foil bows.
Pick a bow to stick on the present.
Watch your kitten pick a bow too, and observe her running off with it in her mouth.
Oooh a shiny foil bow. My new friend.Note how your kitten comes back and picks another bow from the packet.
Laugh as she shimmies clumsily round the lounge with the bow.
Frown when your kitten comes back to pick yet another bow.
Hide the packet of bows.
Distract your kitten and place the present out of reach.
Remove your kitten from the tree.
Tip out some small gifts from a bag and place them on the wrapping paper.
Chase after your kitten as she runs off with one of the gifts in her mouth.Fun with wrapping paper
Retrieve the gift and count the teeth marks in it.
Look up to see your kitten gleefully charging about the room with another gift in her mouth.
Watch as she jumps down behind the sofa and secretes the gift in her HQ for Mischief and Mayhem.
Try to move the sofa, without success.
Watch as your kitten emerges from her HQ, sits on the arm of the sofa and smiles at you.
Shake your head and laugh. Maybe you’d bought too many presents anyway.
Remove your kitten from the Christmas tree.
Give up on the present wrapping and make your way to the tub of Roses chocolates.
Lick your lips, then curse when you see how many chocolates have been eaten already.
Go and find your boys and berate them for being so greedy.
Marvel at how convincing they are when the look at you with big, blue, confused eyes and say, “But we’ve hardly eaten any…”
The chocolate thief!Head back into the lounge in time to discover your kitten with her head in the Roses tub.
Watch as your kitten skedaddles with a wrapped chocolate between her teeth.
Follow your kitten to the dining room, where you discover her not-so-secret horde of stolen chocolates underneath the table.
Apologise to your boys.
Remove your kitten from the Christmas tree.
Who me? No, I don't know why an artificial tree would shed needles either.Ask your kitten why there are ‘pine needles’ across the floor, when you have an artificial tree.
Watch your kitten look at you with a big question mark over her head, as she runs her teeth along the branch of the tree and spits out the greenery.
Find the Christmas sherry, and take a good, long swig – you’ve earned it.
Sit down in your chair and sigh.
Watch as your kitten takes a flying leap and lands on your leg.
Wince with pain as your kitten practices her mountaineering skills by digging her claws in your flesh as she climbs up you.
Smile as your kitten reaches your face and headbutts you affectionately.
Feel the vibration of your kitten’s purr as she settles down and dozes off in your arms.
Reach across and grab a little Santa hat to plonk on your kitten’s head.
Survey the mess around you, plant a kiss on your kitten’s head and whisper contentedly, “Happy 1st Christmas, Gloria Chufflepuff”.

All Christmassed out!

“Why is there an eyeball hanging on the Christmas tree?”

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As a parent, I’m sure I’m not the only one who is blessed with some weird and wonderful creations, courtesy of my boys’ efforts at school over the years.

“Mum, look what I’ve made!”
“Oh my word, that’s a wonderful… erm… a wonderful… ”
“It’s a clay vase.”
“Yes, that’s just what I was going to say. A magnificent clay vase. It can have pride of place on the mantlepiece!”
Until the cat knocks it off, of course.

So there we were enjoying the festive season, and son no 2 suddenly piped up, “Mum, why is there an eyeball hanging on the Christmas tree?!”

“A what??” I asked, quickly checking the contents of my tea cup.

“An eyeball! Look!” he said, pointing to the Christmas tree.

20150107-141016-51016489.jpgThere, hanging proudly on the tree, was a red object: spherical with a long tapered end, complete with string attached.

“That’s NOT a bauble??” I asked, somewhat bemused…

“No, it’s an eyeball. I made that at school years ago!” he replied, starting to laugh.

“But we hang that on the tree every year!” I giggled. How very absurd.

As I began to examine the questionable object I was none the wiser, until son no 2 grabbed hold of it and turned it over. “Look, there’s the pupil!” he exclaimed.

There indeed was a black circle on the top with a green ring around it. “But I thought that was part of the decoration!” I managed to say through the hilarity.

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To me, that just typifies my life as a parent. You try your best to make your children feel proud of their work. If that means hanging an eyeball on the Christmas tree, then so be it. You see, as we packed away the decorations for this year, the eyeball was carefully placed back in a tub with the red baubles, ready for next year.  I just hope that won’t encourage my boys to make any other body parts to hang on the Christmas tree in future…