cute

An Important Day

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Dear Gloria

img_4417You may have woken me up at 6am (it’s Saturday, that’s really quite rude) by clattering a ping pong ball around the kitchen floor.

You may have run your teeth along my foot when I tried to go back to sleep.

You may have initiated an affectionate head-butt, but then turned at the last minute and yelled, “Sucker!” whilst slapping me round the face.

img_4525You may have insisted on going outside despite the rain lashing down, and then come in dragging wet leaves and debris across the freshly-vacuumed carpet.

img_4536You may have sat in the middle of the floor with your fur stuck up on end, looking like a giant fluffy porcupine, swiping away any offers of a towel, preferring instead to wipe your wet fur along the soft furnishings.

But today is an important day for you, so I didn’t shout.

I cleaned out your litter tray, since you prefer to use it like a ball pit, albeit with white grit in place of coloured balls.

I cooked a big roast beef meal, not because you like beef, but because you like the crispy bits from the roast potatoes.

img_4551I tried to take some pictures. You refused to smile for the camera.  You refused to sit still for the camera. You hate my camera.

I bought you presents, which I then wrapped in catnip-infused paper.  I did the same with the card I made for you too. You ignored that and chewed the foil bow instead.  You went berserk when you saw your new toy, but then ignored it when I removed the packaging.

But this is an important day for you.  Today is your second birthday.

And what did you do in return?

You decided to indulge me in a touch of forensic anthropology – my favourite subject. You left 3 dead mouse carcasses scattered in the front garden: fly-infested, mangled corpses, carefully placed in full view of the garden path.  Your very own body farm.  I only hope it wasn’t a warning for the postman.

img_4543So Happy Birthday, you mischievous heap of fluff and mayhem.  Here’s to another year of sleeplessness, irritability and attitude… I’m talking about you, not me, sweet cheeks.  Hope you’ve enjoyed your day more than I have *mwah*

with much love from the Chief Human Staff Member xx

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A Morning Call

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It’s morning. You open one eye and glimpse daylight. You twitch your ears to listen for the birds. Yes! The birds are singing, the sun has risen; it’s time to wake up and dance and sing. And eat. First priority: check the status of your foodbowl. Hmmm. Disappointingly it’s only half full. Which really means it’s empty *sigh*

Is anybody awake yet?

Is anybody awake yet?

So where the heck are your your human staff?! This is something of a catastrophe.

A quick patrol of the staff sleeping quarters reveals that, as you suspected, the humans are all asleep. How did you end up with such lazy staff?! They’ve been asleep for hours. Meanwhile you’re completely neglected. Not to mention starving. How very rude of them.

You look at the clock beside a slumbering human (well, that’s the first thing they check when they wake). The numbers read 4:15. You have no idea what that means, but the lights look quite enticing. Mimicking your human, you swat the display with your fat, tufty paw. The clock clatters to the floor and your human groans but doesn’t move. What a disappointing start to the day.

Ah, the fun to be had knocking bottles off the bathroom windowsill into the bath.

Ah, the fun to be had knocking bottles off the bathroom windowsill into the bath.

So you saunter off to the bathroom to test out the acoustics. Launching yourself nimbly onto the windowsill, you sit and survey the scene. There’s not much room so you nudge a couple of plastic bottles and watch as they fall with a rattle into the bath. How satisfying was that! You topple a couple more containers with your paw, just for good measure. Then you start to sing. And trill. And chirrup. What a marvellous array of noises. Then it’s time to jump down from the windowsill and land in the bath, amongst the bottles, with a resounding thud.

Boxing the towels comes next, pulling them off the rails and leaving them in a crumpled heap on the floor: every last one.

Wait a minute! Is that your food bowl calling you again? As you scamper off, you decide that it would be better to take the scenic route: mountaineering across the back of the furniture and swinging on the curtains, using only your claws. This is, after all, the perfect opportunity to practice your training as a fluffy ninja.

A neglected fluffy ninja

A neglected fluffy ninja

And yes, you note with disappointment that your food bowl is still empty* (*only half full). What a neglected fluffy ninja you are. As you look forlornly at your bowl, the realisation hits you – it would be a great idea to make a little more room for food if and when your human staff ever decide to get up.

You head on over to your litter tray, tufty paws striding purposefully across the carpet. When using your tray, you can never underestimate how important it is to dig deep. Very deep. With both paws. Woo hoo! Party time! Only when you have laid your stink pod do you turn around and notice all the nuggets of cat litter scattered across the floor. How disgusting. Your human staff really should keep the house somewhat cleaner than this. You step out of your tray, shaking each foot vigorously as you do so.

Getting into position for a loud morning serenade

Getting into position for a loud morning serenade

Now you really are ready for some grub. A final full-bodied serenade of your favourite tune brings a bleary-eyed human staggering to the door – just in the nick of time before you pass out from starvation.

After a good munch, you notice that your human staff member has gone back to sleep. Again. How very lazy. Although it seems only fair that you join them in their repose to keep them company. So you curl up on their face.

Frustratingly, it’s not long before your human wakes up, pushes you aside and stumbles off to grab a large mug that they fill with a hot, steaming black liquid. Yet with a full belly, you are now ready for a long snooze. Why do humans keep such strange hours?

Snuggles

Hunting

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I spy...

I spy…

I spy a FLY!

I spy a FLY!

I’m on a fly hunt.
I’m going to catch this one.
I’ll prance and I’ll pounce,
I’ll frisk and I’ll flounce.
Trill, trill, chirrup, chirrup.
‘Till it flutters and soars
and I fall on the floor.

Oh Gloria.

I spy a SQUIRREL!

I spy a SQUIRREL!

I’m on a squirrel hunt.
I’m going to catch this one.
With it’s big, bushy tail
I really can’t fail.
Trill, trill, chirrup, chirrup.
So I cavort on the floor
then head butt the door.

Oh Gloria.

I spy a CHICKEN!

I spy a CHICKEN!

I’m on a chicken hunt.
I’m going to catch this one.
I’ll stalk her and seek her,
like ‘follow my leader’.
Trill, trill, chirrup, chirrup.

Follow my leader

Follow my leader

‘Till she squawks in my face
and puts me in my place.

Gloooorrrriiiiaaaaa!!!

All this hunting is hard work...

All this hunting is hard work…

Things Gloria has discovered this week

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1 If you push hard on the side of your water bowl, it is possible to flip the bowl up, give yourself a bath and wear the bowl as a hat.

And stretch!2 The shoulder of a human is a great place upon which to sit. Unless you fall off, in which case you can just dig your acutely sharp claws into their neck and hoist yourself back up. They will be so pleased to see this milestone in your development, that they will howl with pleasure.

3 If you insist on sleeping in your poo box, your cuddle quota may be reduced alarmingly.

Guzzling Gloria4 Too small to drink from the flower vase? No problem. If you place your little chunky paws either side of the vase, it is possible to rock said vase to and fro until it topples over. You may then lap up some of the water unimpeded, and dance in the puddle afterwards. Bonus!

5 Never underestimate the importance of sharing. To keep your human busy, drop a toy at their feet. They will pick up the toy, shout “Fetch!” and throw it across the room. This means that they want the toy back – humans are a bit dense at times. If you run after the toy, pick it up in your teeth to carry it back to them and deposit it at their feet/on their lap, it will make them really happy. In fact, they will keep throwing the toy for as long as you keep bringing it back. After such a burst of activity they will then need a nap.

How to sleep when your feet have had a growth spurt

How to Survive Christmas with a Kitten

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Gloria in her Christmas hat

Carefully retrieve your Christmas decorations from the attic.
Remove your kitten from the bag of baubles.
Assemble the Christmas tree.
Remove your kitten from the tree.
Untangle the fairy lights and lay them in lines along the floor.
Remove your kitten from the tree.
Plug in the fairy lights.
Watch your kitten’s eyes light up as she places her little mouth around one of the lit bulbs.
Panic.
Switch off the fairy lights and spend 10 minutes untangling your kitten from the string of bulbs.
Start to wrap the lights around the tree.Remove your kitten from the Christmas tree...
Remove your kitten from the tree.
Enlist the support of a small boy to entertain your kitten.
Finish decorating the tree with the fairy lights.
Upon hearing a small boy’s squeal, turn round to see your kitten scampering off with a long piece of tinsel in her mouth.
Retrieve the tinsel from your kitten and decide that you don’t need tinsel this year anyway.
Grab the bag of baubles.
Remove your kitten from the bag of baubles.
Start to hang the baubles on the branches of the tree.
Observe your kitten boxing the baubles on the lower branches.
Raise the baubles to higher branches, leaving your kitten a small knitted stocking to throw about.
Stand back and admire your tinsel-free, half-decorated Christmas tree.
Remove your kitten from the tree.
Grab some Christmas paper to finish wrapping those last minute gifts.
Oooh good, wrapping paper!Roll out the paper on the floor.
Remove your kitten from the paper.
Using a large pair of scissors, cut the paper, avoiding your kitten’s chunky little paws as they swipe at the blades.
Observe all the crumples and scratch marks in the paper.
Screw up the paper, throw it across the room and watch with a chuckle as your kitten scampers off to play with it.
Roll out some more paper.
Watch as your kamikaze kitten appears from nowhere and lands in the middle of the wrapping paper.
Sigh loudly.
Cut another piece of paper and hastily wrap the present, taping up all the claw marks and holes in the paper. Well, the present needed some ventilation holes anyway.
Go and fetch some shiny ribbon to wrap round the present and so detract from the teeth marks and claw holes.
Cut a length of ribbon.Kitten teeth are great for curling ribbon
Chase after your kitten and retrieve the ribbon.
Tie the ribbon quickly round the present.
Note how your kitten’s teeth make a great tool for curling the ribbon.
Remove your kitten from the present.
Grab a packet of shiny foil bows.
Pick a bow to stick on the present.
Watch your kitten pick a bow too, and observe her running off with it in her mouth.
Oooh a shiny foil bow. My new friend.Note how your kitten comes back and picks another bow from the packet.
Laugh as she shimmies clumsily round the lounge with the bow.
Frown when your kitten comes back to pick yet another bow.
Hide the packet of bows.
Distract your kitten and place the present out of reach.
Remove your kitten from the tree.
Tip out some small gifts from a bag and place them on the wrapping paper.
Chase after your kitten as she runs off with one of the gifts in her mouth.Fun with wrapping paper
Retrieve the gift and count the teeth marks in it.
Look up to see your kitten gleefully charging about the room with another gift in her mouth.
Watch as she jumps down behind the sofa and secretes the gift in her HQ for Mischief and Mayhem.
Try to move the sofa, without success.
Watch as your kitten emerges from her HQ, sits on the arm of the sofa and smiles at you.
Shake your head and laugh. Maybe you’d bought too many presents anyway.
Remove your kitten from the Christmas tree.
Give up on the present wrapping and make your way to the tub of Roses chocolates.
Lick your lips, then curse when you see how many chocolates have been eaten already.
Go and find your boys and berate them for being so greedy.
Marvel at how convincing they are when the look at you with big, blue, confused eyes and say, “But we’ve hardly eaten any…”
The chocolate thief!Head back into the lounge in time to discover your kitten with her head in the Roses tub.
Watch as your kitten skedaddles with a wrapped chocolate between her teeth.
Follow your kitten to the dining room, where you discover her not-so-secret horde of stolen chocolates underneath the table.
Apologise to your boys.
Remove your kitten from the Christmas tree.
Who me? No, I don't know why an artificial tree would shed needles either.Ask your kitten why there are ‘pine needles’ across the floor, when you have an artificial tree.
Watch your kitten look at you with a big question mark over her head, as she runs her teeth along the branch of the tree and spits out the greenery.
Find the Christmas sherry, and take a good, long swig – you’ve earned it.
Sit down in your chair and sigh.
Watch as your kitten takes a flying leap and lands on your leg.
Wince with pain as your kitten practices her mountaineering skills by digging her claws in your flesh as she climbs up you.
Smile as your kitten reaches your face and headbutts you affectionately.
Feel the vibration of your kitten’s purr as she settles down and dozes off in your arms.
Reach across and grab a little Santa hat to plonk on your kitten’s head.
Survey the mess around you, plant a kiss on your kitten’s head and whisper contentedly, “Happy 1st Christmas, Gloria Chufflepuff”.

All Christmassed out!